Deceiving Myself

[Better hearing this song (https://youtu.be/mHN-WIiXuOs) while reading my random thought]


Do you ever feel some exact feeling but you never tend to have it then you’re trying to kill it?

Do you ever thinking so hard until it’s blurred and you can’t decide what should you do and in the end you choose the one that’s not what you really want?

I, always facing that condition.

And I, ended up not hearing what I really want.

But, what’s that I really want seriously?!

I don’t know either.

I’m 19 years old. Apparently not a kid anymore, the fact that I always trying to forget. So miserable, right? It’s just I like being a kid. They’re so cute, innocent, and live a peaceful life (I’m longing for that right now). Whatever people think, I will naturally act childish, although I’m not sure whether it’s appropriately done by an adult or not.

I’m 19 years old and I still don’t know myself even though I’m searching for what’s the real me continuously.

When it comes choosing what I like, I still confused. I can’t vocally bold showing what I want, afraid of hurting people around me. My beloved one.

And what I always do is none other than deceiving myself. Clearing my mind and making some reasons (or excuses) why I should do this one instead of the others. Searching what’s interesting on those activities that’ll make me happy to struggle with.

That’s because I can’t stand still if I have no motive. It’ll be so depressing and I can’t make a single move towards it. I can’t push myself, I will ruin everything if I ever do it, like all of my life will be fall apart. So, I sweetly persuade myself and trying to find a beautiful thing on that choice. So confusing right? Like there’s two people on my mind, plus two others on my heart. They have their own war.

And in the end, I still doubting all of my choice that had been made. That’s haunting me, during my entire life. And I must be deceiving myself over and over.

Do you happen (or not) encounter something like that?

The Types Of Men An INFP Woman Might Marry

I really curious about ENTJ. Never meet them, I think :3

The Rambles of a Dreamer

couple marriage

Yes, yes, I know, O, maiden, thou does not need a man to complete thy life – and it seems a little ironic, to say the least, to write this after recently taking a vow of celibacy – but just because I have decided not to get into any relationships doesn’t mean I can’t speculate on the various types of people who might be suitable romantic candidates, which I shall detail in this post, and whom, I might add, are, as of yet, entirely the products of my imagination. Which accounts for the vow of celibacy, I suppose.

For those of you idealistic, sensitive men out there, and my heart does go out to you for your continued survival in a conformist society that tries to mold men into masculine archetypes – please feel free to change the gender of the following types of individuals to that of Female, or…

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