Deceiving Myself

[Better hearing this song (https://youtu.be/mHN-WIiXuOs) while reading my random thought]


Do you ever feel some exact feeling but you never tend to have it then you’re trying to kill it?

Do you ever thinking so hard until it’s blurred and you can’t decide what should you do and in the end you choose the one that’s not what you really want?

I, always facing that condition.

And I, ended up not hearing what I really want.

But, what’s that I really want seriously?!

I don’t know either.

I’m 19 years old. Apparently not a kid anymore, the fact that I always trying to forget. So miserable, right? It’s just I like being a kid. They’re so cute, innocent, and live a peaceful life (I’m longing for that right now). Whatever people think, I will naturally act childish, although I’m not sure whether it’s appropriately done by an adult or not.

I’m 19 years old and I still don’t know myself even though I’m searching for what’s the real me continuously.

When it comes choosing what I like, I still confused. I can’t vocally bold showing what I want, afraid of hurting people around me. My beloved one.

And what I always do is none other than deceiving myself. Clearing my mind and making some reasons (or excuses) why I should do this one instead of the others. Searching what’s interesting on those activities that’ll make me happy to struggle with.

That’s because I can’t stand still if I have no motive. It’ll be so depressing and I can’t make a single move towards it. I can’t push myself, I will ruin everything if I ever do it, like all of my life will be fall apart. So, I sweetly persuade myself and trying to find a beautiful thing on that choice. So confusing right? Like there’s two people on my mind, plus two others on my heart. They have their own war.

And in the end, I still doubting all of my choice that had been made. That’s haunting me, during my entire life. And I must be deceiving myself over and over.

Do you happen (or not) encounter something like that?

2 thoughts on “Deceiving Myself

  1. Tetap semangaat pina, you’re not alone, pasti banyak yang merasakan hal yang sama. Masa muda memang masa-masa penuh kebimbangan mencari jatidiri. Memori masa kecil masih suka terngiang ngiang…

    Btw, awakmu anak stan ec tha ? Kok wis cas cis cus ngomong enggres

    1. Waa thank you piq~
      Yeahh semangattt!
      Wkwkwk.. iya :3 semuanya gitu kah? Kangen masa kecil? Tapi keknya yg act like a kid cuma aing deh :3

      Waa.. tak.. iku mah nulis inggris ora ngomong inggris xD nek ngomong bedo meneh terutama nek pas ning ngarepe guru :3
      Stu.. stut.. stuttering.

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