It’s typically me whose writing about such a depressing thing. Yeah, all of them are about my thought, my opinion, my fear.
Actually, I’m tired, I’ve told my fellow INFP friend about this– tired of wandering about who am I, analyzing over and over, searching for the purpose as human, thinking big about change the world into a peaceful place, etc, etc.
One of bad thing about me is I’m thinking too much. Struggling in my mind and keep shut about it. And I also full with paradox. I say that I’m impulsive, I’m sure about it– I talk loudly and short-thought that I surely can hurt other feelings, but in the other side I also deep-thought about things and fearfully open my mouth to say something. It’s really horrible, right?
I often hate my self about that. I realize all of that because I’ve started from long ago in searching for my true self. Until it comes like I’m surrounded by mirrors, I’m trapped inside the box, it’s crystal clear but’s there’s no a way out. That hate feelings seriously give a huge trigger to run away, you know.
Another bad thing on me is I’m concerning too much, but only thinking about it. I’m full of doubt, I tend to hesitate, rarely ever take an action. Haa.. I hate this feeling. Seriously.
And then comes the time where I’m on the lowest point. The point where I wholeheartedly hate myself. Like what I said before, feeling trapped, and it’s suffocating.
This is what I wrote back then. I’m being nostalgic (as always) and find this tonight. Like I said before, I’m impulsive and add being moody to it, *boom* that’s me.
You know, I’m interested in “pecinta alam” since first grade of senior high school. I have an urge to join Paresmapa (an extracurricular of “pecinta alam” in my SHS) since that time. But as always, I hesitate. Then in my second grade, I’ve reached the moment where I already prepared the things that required to bring for first Paresmapa gathering, I only need to come to my school but one more time I retreat (Arghh.. I hate this.). And the worst part was I don’t remember why I did that at that time (Seriously!).
It’s not over yet xD (Do you see me being frustrated?). At college, I have a will to join STAPALA. But I didn’t take my opportunity because I think I can’t do it (I was joined one extracurricular and one organization//It’s funny when I believe that there’s nothing impossible)). Then, it’s now, I’m at my second year here, finally I make a move (Haha. You need that much time to decide, huh?). It’s another paradox and rather an impulsive action tho. As always, my heart beat faster, my smile lit up, and I’m feeling “yeah, I must make it now!”, but the next things come up my mind was “People said the second year is the hardest time on my college, I must be focused studying.”, and I answered:
“You must be damn bored if only study. You’re not like people who studying 24/7.”
continued with, “But you’re not that great on time management.”
“Yeah I know, so what to do then.”
It’s hard to stop my tangled mind.
And the D-day came. I must have arrived at 8 a.m. but I overslept and woke up at 7.30 a.m. You know how I felt? My heart skipped a beat, I was getting panicked. Then what I do was shut my mind up, can’t make it controlling me again and ruined what I really want. In that short time, I changed my clothes and packed my things (I’ve bought what must I bought), bought bananas (I haven’t bought it, I planned to buy it in the morning) and run to the gathering place.
And here I am, in the process of improving my characters, and much more. You can see that’s really impulsive right? I have 100% opportunity to stay at my room and continue my sleep. But the fact is I was running, came to one place to another searched for bananas. If you asking me why I was making that decision, I truthfully have no answer.
And the paradox part is when I was on my first year I didn’t choose STAPALA (Even I have imagined that I will never have a chance to join STAPALA after missed my one chance) because it seems too hard for me to manage between one activity and another, but in this year I finally joined it :”) I never imagine this seriously. I didn’t see it’s coming. And I realized that it’s the right choice what I made. I’m really thankful for it, to God who has moved my heart and help me make this decision.
But the next question is do I want to rely on that uncertain–impulsive thing like that?
No. It can’t have happened twice.
That’s my task which I still struggled on. I must push whatever blocking my way on making a move, taking an action. It’s hard to even only to open up my mouth, saying my opinion 😦 (Yeah it starts again, like 2 people on my mind and two more on my heart, conducting a debate). Plus, what’s on my mind, what’s on my heart are really fluctuating, I tend to forget what triggered me taking some action, forget about what I was feeling a moment ago for some situation. The frustrated I am, I ever thought about making some tools for memorizing and making notes about people thoughts and what people feel. Without the external player, I already struggling on my own conflict :”D
One thing is, don’t be like me, someone whose the guilt and regret are piling up, so high, so wide, for each opportunity that I missed.